as young:
"BE HAPPY"
I look back and sometimes I wish I could do it over. Yeah, I would still lose my hair and go through puberty, and I'd probably be friends with the same people, but maybe I could've accepted things better and just been okay with how my life started taking off.
I always wondered why I wasn't just happy. I will admit, I have been happy in fleeting moments, but not for good, for real. I think I have cried myself to sleep more nights than I haven't. Since I was a little girl, 10 or so, I haven't even been able to pinpoint why that is. I think it comes down to how I take things seriously and when something happens to me or to a friend I take it personally. As if every bad thing that happens to my friends, family, or myself is in direct response to how I've been living my life.
Sounds silly, I know. But I can't help how I feel.
I can remember exact moments when I was truly happy, and there are probably more, but these are the ones I do remember:
1) I met a lady, Heidi, that was my saving grace. She gave me attention and love that I felt I didn't deserve. She was an leader at my church in my youth group. She was more than a leader, she was a friend. She was my youth basketball coach for a while and although it was our worst season, and we lost nearly every game, I never felt happier. I had been really depressed for a long time, and having Heidi in my life, I finally had someone to talk to and just be with when life got hard. To this day, she is one of my "go-to" people and she never lets me down. She is across the country now, but she always takes the time to chat with me when I need it. Being her friend, I saw a glimpse of what living a happy life would be like. It didn't last, because happiness never lasts for me, but for a while, I had a glimmer of hope.
2) In high school I was WAY into choir. I auditioned for the elite choirs and show choirs every year starting my 8th grade year (for the 9th grade year), all the way through 11th grade (for my senior year). The day I got accepted into both Ladies Select and Pizazz was an exciting day for me. I had worked SO hard my whole life to "get good at music" and just be a part of something bigger than myself. When I got into both choirs for my 10th grade year, I was ecstatic! It was a dream come true for me. It was the first time I really felt like I belonged somewhere. First time I really felt like I was a part of something. It was a moment that I held onto for years, even when I didn't make the other elite choirs that I so desperately wanted to get into. I knew, even when I was feeling lost, that I had made it this far, and I could do this.
3) It was spring of 2009, and I got a message on Facebook from an Elder Wride who had served his mission in the DC area a couple years before. He invited me and my friends to hear his band j.wride play at Muse Music Cafe. This missionary happened to be one of my all time favorites, so of course I said yes! I brought 9 people with me, a perfect group date opportunity, and the 10 of us went to one of j.wride's first concerts. I remember talking with Jesse for the first time in person since his mission and he asked for my number. I remember texting with him that night and just being so so happy. I was on cloud 9, knowing the man I looked up to so much was taking the time to get to know me! Looking back on my life, I know one reason he was sent to the DC mission was so that later on in life, he could be my friend and teach me what it's like to have a friend as selfless and caring as him.
4) When I was at BYU, I prepared for a church mission and submitted my papers to receive a call. Although I wasn't able to serve, and the months and years after I received that news has devastated me, those months leading up to submitting my papers and the day I submitted them, I was honestly happy.
Those 4 moments are 4 of the happiest in my entire life. They helped me understand that happiness is possible. But I have realized that it's also entirely possible that I won't ever really be happy. I'l have happy moments, when I've taken my bipolar and depression meds, but I probably will have to be content with just being content.
My other stories have been more exact, events and experiences that have happened. But this is a journey I am still on, one I may find myself on for the rest of my life.
My advice for others who may be struggling to find happiness? Don't give up. Don't beat yourself up because you don't experience happiness the same way others do. Give it time. Have faith. And most important, those moments when honest to goodness happiness is experienced-- cherish them. And remember them. Because on those days when it seems the sun will never shine, you can remember the sun you once felt and a glimmer of sunlight will creep back into your life.
It may seem impossible, and some days it just might be, but then again, when was anything worthwhile ever easy???
:)
